Let's be honest: very often, when faced with the success of others, even people we love, we become envious. Despite the very human nature of it all,
envy, a feeling from which no one can consider themselves exempt, there are mechanisms that involve the brain, and our rational and emotional sides, at the same time. The scientific explanation of the phenomenon dates back to 1954, when
Leon Festinger, an American Nobel Prize-winning social psychologist, wrote his
Social Comparison Theory. Simply put: humans evaluate themselves by comparing themselves to others, especially when there are no clear objective criteria (success, beauty, status). This is the psychological "driver" of resentment. When faced with the success of others, the brain implicitly filters itself with certain questions (Is this an important area for me? or Did I care about that result too? or Why didn't things go the same way for me?). If the answers are positive,
the gnawing engine turns on.
Everything else comes after, in an almost mechanical chain of reactions: social comparison,self-esteem that collapses, the perception of justice, a certain tendency to complain. What Festinger couldn't even imagine is that the engine of resentment, which he so scientifically pinpointed, has become that of a Ferrari, in power and speed, due to the widespread diffusion of social media. People who live on social platforms like Instagram or TikTok (but also Facebook) tend to select content that summarizes their own successes, even the most intimate (the birth of a child, a birth, a blossoming romance), or they engage in tearing down, or at least viewing with resentment, the success of others. The exchange, which was previously limited to small circles of family and friends, becomes constant, immediate and widespread. There's no pause in the exposition, as the scrolling tends to be infinite, and we're constantly forced to compare ourselves to the successes of others, measured against our own failures. There's too much to digest silently and inertly: gnawing becomes a way of being in the world, and of measuring ourselves against others.
At this point we enter the jungle of waste, as such constant resentment creates a host of discomforts: constant comparison tends to generate sadness, irritability, and dissatisfaction. The more we compare ourselves to those who "seem" to be doing better, the more our emotional state collapses and ends up under the soles of our shoes. Repeated comparison can lead to self-deprecation: "I'm behind," "others are better than me." Not because it's true, but because the brain uses a filtered reality as a yardstick to ignite the engine of resentment. Not to mention the deteriorating human relationships, the proliferating suspicions, the tendency to withdraw into oneself, an increase in self-esteem.
stress. and performance anxiety.
Hence two questions: Is it worth it? And again: Is there a way out of this trap and turn off the gnawing engine? The first thing is to try to look inside yourself, without even giving in to the temptation to make comparisons: noting your own results, happy moments, or concrete progress helps shift your attention from what "others have" to what you have already achieved. And almost always, with this internal gaze, you can make very pleasant discoveries. A second way is to transform the comparison (bitterness is not a way to compete, but only a mechanism destined to develop psychological discomfort): instead of thinking "I'm below," peppering this feeling with the usual invocations of bad luck and ritual complaints, to "I'm with," which shifts the dynamic of the engine of bitterness from a source of separation and rupture to a gentle push towards community. And here is the real leap, something that not only missionaries, altruists by definition, can do, but we are all capable of experiencing: achieving joy for the success of others, which in social psychology is called “capitalization”When someone else's happiness is shared, it strengthens the bond between people instead of weakening it. A typical example, as always, comes from the superiority of the female world. Many women are better off taking a step back to share and support their husband's/partner's successes, because they are able to savor the happiness of their partner's achievements. They have turned off the engine of resentment, and have access, with lightness, that of generosity. Which always pays off in the end.
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