How to learn to listen

We no longer know how to listen . We are besieged, also by the information arriving from electronic devices, by information and words. And we are fueled by the desire, bordering on narcissism , to have our say. We don't care what others say.

Yet listening is an art , essential for developing good human relationships. And also for learning. Knowing that the ratio between listening and assimilation is not equal to 1:1: according to studies by psychiatrist William Glasser, we remember only 25 percent of what we hear. A quarter. And we learn 10 percent of what we read, 30 percent of what we see, and 70 percent of what we discuss with others.

Therefore, learning to listen means reducing the waste of potential knowledge that would otherwise be lost: the more we listen , the more we learn . And the more we have the opportunity to get closer to others.

But how do you learn to listen ? What are the most effective ways? Here are 10 tips that will help you avoid wasting the words others are saying to you.

Don't think about the answer right away

Don't immediately think about the answer. When listening, silence is needed, even within ourselves. And don't get lost in the morass of prepackaged responses to what the other person, or others, are saying. Rather than our own subsequent response, we need to focus on their statements. And perhaps help them clarify them, encouraging them, with a few questions, to make them more explicit. Clarity aids listening.

Don't be hasty in your conclusions

Avoid hasty conclusions. Listening is a process of inquiry, and the conclusion is a possibility, not a certainty. There's no need to force it, or worse, to anticipate it, as if the other person's opinion were of little importance. To avoid jumping to conclusions, a good method is to ride out doubts, which, sooner or later, always lead to the truth. No shortcuts.

Active listening

Active listening . This is what works best, putting the speaker at ease. We're not anxious, aggressive, or insincere. We're ready to evaluate the complexity of an argument and avoid any oversimplification. This is also called quality listening: empathetic, attentive, and above all non-judgmental.

Acknowledging that you are wrong

Let's assume we're wrong. A good starting point for listening attentively and absorbing the meaning of what's being said is to reverse the paradigm. Let's assume we're wrong and let the other person be right. And not vice versa. At that point, listening becomes a challenge to be overcome, by changing our perspective. And knowing that only fools ever change their minds.

Listening to each other

Listening to yourself. Even our innermost self, hidden from others, is part of listening. Those who feel good about themselves are able to communicate better with others. And to find a place of openness and availability. Ideal for deep listening.

Managing emotions

Manage emotions well . Anxiety, stress, and fear don't help us understand, much less listen. But emotions can be useful for building relationships and connecting with those we're listening to. If our hearts are beating, and we know how to keep them under control, we'll listen better. If you force your emotions, you could fall into one of the most conversation-destroying ways: interrupting someone while they're speaking. This breaks down the conversation into half-hearted streams, and you risk continuing on with a series of misunderstandings and interruptions.

Etiquette

The usefulness of etiquette . There are rules of etiquette that are very useful for listening: don't interrupt, follow the conversation, show interest, make eye contact, don't show boredom, and don't show signs of impatience. And first and foremost, turn off your smartphone and any electrical or electronic devices nearby.

Curiosity

Be curious. Listening is also an important exercise in curiosity. There are worlds to discover, even through marginal signals and concepts. All you need is a clear mind and no preconceptions.

Accepting the paradoxes

Embrace paradoxes. Many people prefer to express themselves through hyperbole and paradoxes. Don't be intimidated. And think of these formulas as rhetorical exercises: perhaps there's something to learn from them for when you're the one speaking.

Irony

Irony. One of the most powerful resources for expressing, with Calvinist lightness, an opinion, even a harsh one. And an equally powerful tool for listening, even when what's being said doesn't seem particularly interesting. It will certainly go better next time.

Read also:

• Fragility, the strength of a virtue we hide. Let's not waste it, and try to share it.
• Fortitude, the virtue of courage to conquer fear. Precious in times of pandemic.
• Prudence, the cardinal virtue we've forgotten. A dose of realism we shouldn't waste.