Friendships are cultivated so as not to waste them

Friendship doesn't thrive on cash. It's a plant that needs to be watered, with patience and the right amount of time, and not just from a distance or online. Many friendships fade because we don't dedicate the necessary time, aren't generous, even with ourselves, and always wait to be called, instead of taking the initiative. Friendship requires presence and lightheartedness, as well as a willingness to listen and accept differences. Beware of trying to convert a friend to our own tastes and preferences: friends, in this sense, are chosen and not welcomed like relatives, but then they should be treated equally. Without forcing them, but accepting them as they are.

The importance of friendship

How many friends do we have? How do we discover them? And how do we cultivate them? These are essential questions for a sustainable life, where the quality of human relationships is crucial. Starting with friendship , a true love. Scientists have classified with extreme precision what it takes to make our friendships flourish, to avoid wasting them and evaporating over time. Often through small and large oversights.

The age difference

Let's start with a first fact: the desire for companionship is not infinite , but on the contrary has limits, linked not only to each of us's character but also to the time we are able to dedicate to our human relationships. According to research by MIT (Massachusetts Institute of Technology), an individual knows on average between 250 and 5.500 people . Real acquaintances, made up of physical presence and contacts, and not just virtual sharing and bonds, those of the web. And now let's see how many of these people we know then become friends . In this step we become very selective: in fact, in the face of thousands of acquaintances, friends on average become a circle of 121 men and women and of these, the confidants or close friends , those who enjoy our total trust, are at most 10-20 . And here we come to the third determining factor in discovering the quality of friendship: the time we dedicate to the light that lights up. A deep bond between people takes many hours and not just instantaneous browsing on the web.

How to cultivate friendship

A University of Kansas study identified three levels of socialization based on time. It takes at least 50 hours for an acquaintance to become a superficial friend, another 40 hours to enter the circle of friends, in the generic sense, and finally no less than 200 hours to become a close friend. Don't count the time you dedicate to caring and caring for people through friendship, but try to set a sustainable goal in your life: broad, very broad, in terms of relationships, curiosity , and feelings. Without the generosity of time we dedicate to a friend, perhaps even just to absorb all their outbursts, even the most boring and repetitive, achieving a true friendship is virtually impossible. The failure of our human relationships is almost a given. To love, and let us repeat it: friendship is love , time is an essential component, not to be wasted but to be placed on the table of life with extreme generosity.

Italians and friendship

Unfortunately, Italians, a people by nature empathetic and open to relationships, have decided to squander the value of friendship. In the most foolish way: by creating the excuse that they don't have time to spend time with their closest friends. This is the opinion of one in three Italians , based on a survey conducted on a sample of 1.200 men and women between the ages of 18 and 55 using the WOA (Web Opinion Analysis) methodology. And why don't we have time to cultivate what Cicero considered " man's most precious asset "? In order: excessive work-related mobility, which frequently changes location and position ; different lifestyles ; because in the meantime we have gotten married and started a family; or the excessively frenetic pace of daily commitments.

Americans only spend three hours a week with friends.

Value of friendship

Yet, wasting friendship, not dedicating the time it deserves, means ignoring what psychological and medical scientists are increasingly highlighting with their field research: this type of relationship is a natural medicine for our mental and physical health . Specifically, friendship lengthens life, seriously, thanks to the endorphins it releases to counteract stress hormones. In women, spending time with friends promotes the production of progesterone , the hormone that reduces anxiety levels, counteracts the production of cortisol, and elevates mood. According to several oncology studies, spending time with friends, if ample, can reduce pain and increase the chances of recovering from some forms of cancer by a factor of four. Then there are the more emotional aspects of friendship.

The rules

Raffaele La Capria , a writer we love dearly, has written beautiful pages on friendship, praising it in all its glory and capturing its importance. Not to be wasted. In essence, La Capria recalls the wonder of this feeling (he laments the fact that it's rarely, far too rarely, spoken of), destined, however, to withstand any wave of time if we know how to cultivate it. So much so that friendship, and here we quote verbatim, according to La Capria is an " intelligent feeling ." That is, driven not only by the heart, but first and foremost by the brain. Therefore, even more precious and complete, and very delicate to preserve. A sustainable love, in the fullest sense of the word. Friendship, it almost goes without saying, must be cultivated. And it can also change profile over the course of life: as we get older, for example, the network of close relationships, that of dear friends, narrows. But this doesn't mean our feelings are dying; rather, we are simply led to be more selective about the people around us.

How to maintain friendship

Loneliness is a terrible evil, ageless and timeless, and friendship is certainly its best antidote . To cultivate it and make it stronger, more lasting, and more stable, here are some tips and essential rules :

• Take your friends for what they are. And don't always try to transform them into your own image and likeness. Don't always judge them, and accept the richness of their differences. Instead, strive to always be authentic in your behavior.
• Don't neglect them. Physical contact, in person, and not just online or over the phone, is essential. And be generous: if your best friend doesn't call, be the one to pick up the phone (or cell phone).
• Cultivate friendships from adolescence. It's the right age to establish strong friendships that could last a lifetime. Explain this carefully to your children, especially since not isolating yourself, perhaps on a smartphone, is good for the body and mind. It also greatly reduces the risk of stress, anxiety, and mood swings.
• Listen to them and be helpful. These are two related concepts. Giving, especially without expecting anything in return, is an act of love, therefore of true friendship. And give first and foremost when your friend needs it. What? Everything, even time. And remember that to truly be close to a friend, you have to know how to listen. Even if they're full of words.
• Friendship for the elderly. It's essential for overcoming loneliness and for always having company when old age naturally distances us from others. Consider: isolation in old age is worse than diabetes, and causes hypertension. Conversely, friends help delay cognitive decline.
• Quality and more quality. As you grow older, you understand that quality matters more than quantity in friendship. It's not a fan game on social media, but a glimpse into real life. And in the end, truly dear friends are always few and far between.
• Don't rush with friends. Cultivating friendships, at any age, takes time. Always and in any case. And rest assured: you're not wasting it.
• Remember this word: I'm sorry. In friendship, as in any relationship, an argument can erupt, perhaps from a trivial matter, becoming explosive, disruptive, and ultimately breaking the bond. How can you avoid it? With a basic rule: break the chain of resentment at the first step, and be able to say a few terse words when faced with a friend who appears annoyed or offended. I'm sorry.

What are the values ​​underlying friendship?

Friendship is a love so broad that it encompasses so many values, even difficult to select. But three seem essential to me. Reliability, which doesn't just mean "not betraying" (which is always possible when our fickle feelings are at stake) but, above all, showing ourselves to be solid with the other. Exchanging selfless trust, without seeking compensation, and without waiting for the elevator to return after our gestures of affection. Friendship isn't a stall in an open-air market. Then there's resilience. Friends endure over time, even when they see each other infrequently: they share an understanding so as not to lose each other. Never. And they know they're always there when needed. A friend doesn't disappear just when their presence is needed. Finally, friendship is a constant effort at empathy, the ability to put oneself in another's shoes and not remain forever closed in our own ego and narcissism. Friendship raises our gaze far beyond the navel.

Benefits

Among the many benefits of friendship, we highlight one that can be summarized as follows: it prolongs life and wards off natural cognitive decline, including degenerative neurological diseases. A thorough study from Michigan State University shows that people with good friendships age less and more slowly. They maintain a youthful mind, with a more vivid and sharp memory than their peers. They also run a lower risk of Parkinson's, Alzheimer's, and depression. In short: friendship prolongs life.

The difference between men and women

Is there a substantial difference between friendships between men and women? A study by the Social Issues Research Centre in Oxford highlights the differences between the two types of friendships. Friendships between women are face-to-face, direct, and intimate. They are based on a private language, a secret language that women are very good at expressing among themselves, also through conversation . Friendships between men, on the other hand, are side-by-side , elbow-to-elbow , and often don't involve emotions. They are born out of shared activities, such as a sport or a specific interest, and almost never manage to encompass the entirety of the person's intimacy. This is the case with women.

New friendships

Famous quotes about friendship

• Of all the things that wisdom provides for a happy existence, the greatest is friendship. (Epicurus)

Epicurus connects two circles around friendship: wisdom and happiness. Wisdom, because friendship isn't achieved solely with the heart but also with the head, with something that drives you rationally toward the other, and brings you closer to them. Happiness, because a friend is the oxygen of life, a natural antidepressant, what accompanies us toward that feeling, never a complete and definitive reality, called happiness.

• Those who eliminate friendship from life, eliminate the sun from the world. (Guide)

Friendship is a natural light, not an artificial one. And those who squander it condemn themselves to darkness, to an unnatural, tedious, and dully solitary life.

• Everyone wants to have a friend, but no one cares to be one (Alphonse Karr)

This quote from the French writer holds a secret to friendship: the inescapable effort required to establish and nurture it. There's nothing mechanical about friendship, and reciprocity is the first gear of an engine that will never stop.

Read also:

• Friendships are cultivated so as not to waste them
• How to recognize and not lose a true friend
• "A friend loves you even if he knows you" (Jorge Luis Borges)