How to prevent arguments between parents from harming their children

Never involve them, not even indirectly. Don't force them to take sides; if anything, reassure them. And have a method, even when you argue.

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EFFECTS OF PARENTAL DISPUTES ON CHILDREN
Arguing between parents is a natural and common occurrence: nothing serious. The problem arises when they argue in front of young children, and even when they try to manipulate them, thus undermining the entire structure that underpins family balance.
It may seem paradoxical, but to avoid this risk, it's necessary to have a method, even when arguing, and to keep children away from the conflict. But let's start with the damage parents do to their children when they argue in their presence. Child psychologists are drastic: those who grow up in the unhealthy climate of marital arguments accumulate anxiety, frustration, and anger over time. And they see their self-esteem eroded, thus developing a more closed nature and less inclined to interpersonal relationships. The waste and failure of an entire educational project (if it even exists).
According to the data of Save the Children, Over 400.000 children and young people in Italy witness episodes of domestic violence at home every year. (which include cases of violence between partners/fiancés). And according to Istat  approximately 50% of the children of women victims of violence witness violent acts, while about the 10% suffer the consequences directlyThese are impressive numbers, which should lead us to avoid involving children in parental disputes from the very beginning. How?
  • Never use them as messengers (“tell your father that…”)
  • Never put them in the position of choosing or take sides
  • Never vent to them as if they were adult friends

It is devastating for a child to feel responsible for the family balance.

The second point is to have a method, even in arguments:

  • Avoid yelling, insults or punitive silences in front of your children
  • If the discussion gets heated, send it back to a private moment
  • Also show the reconciliation It is fundamental: it makes us understand that conflicts can be resolved and are not destined to become infinite.

The third area of ​​action concerns dialogue with children who, even as adolescents, tend to think: “It's my fault”.

Better to say clearly:

  • “Problems between mom and dad they don't depend on you"
  • “We love you and you are safe, even if we are angry”

Repeating it several times is not excessive: it is emotional nourishment.

Finally, children are tortured by parents who separate and get into fightsHere, violence, even if no one has the courage to admit it, is justified as a tool for conflict and possible negotiation. In short, children become the nuclear weapon that both parents use to obtain the best possible conditions after a separation or after a divorceThey don't help reduce the tone of the dispute, they don't facilitate the necessary compromises, but are reduced to clubs. These are cynical, irresponsible attitudes on the part of a father and a mother, often even encouraged by unscrupulous lawyers. But they are also attitudes that children don't forget, and when they grow up, then, they present the bill to the quarrelsome parents.

There's a vast body of literature demonstrating, with all the necessary scientific support, how arguments between parents very often cause irreversible damage, in terms of trauma, especially for young children. The violence they witness helplessly makes them insecure, uncertain, and fearful. It fuels their fears and undermines their self-esteem. The risk trough It's just around the corner. If these parents were a little more responsible and truly loved their children, with deeds and not empty words, they would do just one thing: they would entrust the dispute to people outside the family, at least to reach an agreement. And they would make a solemn commitment to argue whenever and however they want, but never in front of their children. Especially during the critical phase of the conflict.

Many couples get along even though they argue often. They do it out of habit, to recharge each other, to reaffirm their bond: there could be many reasons and we are not psychoanalysts to list them all. However, it shouldn't be difficult for everyone to introduce a rule of family coexistence: when parents argue, for whatever reason, immense they do it in front of the childrenThey don't share the unpleasant spectacle of family brawls with their parents. And if they can't do it? Then at least they should have the responsibility to explain to their children, with lightness And without overemphasizing or emphasizing the reasons for the conflict, what happened. Downplaying the situation, even with a witty remark. Furthermore, it would be good to end the conflicts on the same day they occurred and signal to the children that the incident is over. They'll be happy.

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