How to behave with children in the event of separation or divorce

The doubt is legitimate: when two parents separate, they often don't know what to say to their children, and thus risk ruining not only the marital relationship but also the parent-child relationship. Before looking closely at some helpful advice, there are a few preliminary points to make.

The first: none separation, much less a divorce that seals it definitively, is painless. There is always suffering, and sometimes even a great deal of violence. Lives are wasted. The main victims are the children, especially when they're just a few years old: one more reason for separating spouses to be responsible at the time of separation and in the subsequent stages. However, marriage can never be a prison.

Second, the amount of information to provide also depends on the children's age. It's not necessary to provide too many details to young children; however, if they're older or adolescents, it's necessary to delicately explore the need for separation, adding a commitment to "change as little as possible" in their lives.

Third premise: co-parenting, besides being a common-sense and cost-effective solution, helps protect the mental health of everyone, parents and children.

Index of topics

Caution and clarity

Of course, caution is needed, especially if they're young. It takes graduality when introducing them to a new situation. It takes responsibility not to unload parental tensions onto their children. But long live clarity. In fact, the more transparent you are, the more the separating couple is forced to avoid reducing the divorce to an endless series of arguments, retaliations, and demands.

Lying is useless

There's a vast space between the age-old formula of smoothing out reality, which isn't equivalent to lying, and the truth we owe our children, never considering them our exclusive property, but rather maintaining a relationship with them as autonomous, free, and responsible individuals. It's into this space that everyone, even parents forced to navigate the long tunnel of a painful separation, must venture. Knowing that lying is a waste : of energy, credibility, mutual respect. And of evaporating love.

Don't ask your children to take sides

Once you've embarked on the path to separation, and then divorce, it's a good idea to talk to your children together , if possible, to explain what's happening simply and gently. Avoid painful details or mutual accusations: children shouldn't take sides . Adapt the explanation to the child's age: younger children need simple words, while adolescents deserve more detailed communication.

Ensure stability and routine

Stability helps children feel secure : therefore, in the event of separation, maintain your daily routines, schedules, and activities as much as possible. If they move house or school, explain the reasons calmly and reassuringly. Children need to know that they are not to blame for their parents' separation and that their mother and father's love for them remains unchanged . Repeat this often, with concrete words and actions.

Agree on the time to spend with your children

During a separation, children should always be protected by both parents, never exploited. The key is reassurance, and the only viable path to achieving this difficult goal is to share the fundamental decisions that arise after separation. This includes dividing the time spent with the children in their new homes, including moments where everyone can still be together, without acting, but with genuine and mutual affection. Sharing responsibilities, from choosing their studies to intervening in the children's private lives, without intruding when it seems problematic.

Don't denigrate the partner you are separating from

A commitment not to denigrate the other, not to isolate them, much less exclude them: a child always needs both parents, father and mother, and substitution is never effective. A sort of pact, explicit or implicit, is just a detail, which commits both parents to prioritize the children's best interests in the event of further disagreements that arise after the separation . Gradual and cautious approach is essential in convincing children to live with new partners: children are not parcels that can easily be moved from one address to another.

Avoid conflicts in front of your children

Arguments, criticism, or belittling the other parent in front of the children puts them in a painful position. Even if the relationship between exes is tense and contentious, mutual respect is essential for the children's well-being . In some cases, it may be helpful to involve a family mediator, a child psychologist, or a solid, balanced, and trustworthy family member. School can be an important ally: inform teachers if you think the family situation might be affecting their academic or emotional performance.

Attempt a reconciliation anyway

It's never too late after a separation, understand if there is room for a reconciliation and to rebuild a serene and solid relationship with your partner, perhaps even with the help of your children, and not out of guilt, but following a normal maturation of your own state of mind, your own convictions, and your own life goals. Our mothers and grandmothers tolerated many things, even betrayal and the softening of the truth, just to spare their children the pain and irreversible trauma of separation. Were they hypocrites? Did they humiliate a woman's autonomy and her personality? Perhaps, but they almost always prevailed and managed to keep the family together, reclaiming their only temporarily lost husband. And they managed to avoid suffering in the first place. Now the law of do-it-yourself morality regarding separations enshrines a single commandment: if things aren't going well, there's no point in wasting time and trying to pick up the pieces. A quick separation is better. Here: it's the word "waste" that doesn't convince us in this case. A test of reasonableness, carried out with extreme confidence and until the last possible minute, is never a waste. Not of time or energy.

What to tell your children when you separate