How to behave with children in the event of separation or divorce

None separation, much less a divorce that seals it definitively, is painless. There is always suffering, and sometimes even a great deal of violence. Lives are wasted. The main victims are the children, especially when they're just a few years old: one more reason for separating spouses to be responsible at the time of separation and in the subsequent stages. However, marriage can never be a prison. Long decades of civil battles They have led to the secularization of this institution, and today there is much more freedom to separate and rebuild one's life. No one should feel imprisoned, just as no one should give up at the first sign of difficulty. Hence the transition with children. What's the point of denying reality? And entering into a fiction, where two people must pretend to still be together just to avoid traumatizing their children. This is a dangerous and counterproductive mechanism, especially because our children are much more sensitive and attentive than we imagine, and they understand things on the fly. A hellish vortex, in which they often children become the most ruthless weapons to assert one's rights. And instead, since one separates from a husband or a wife, but not from the role of parent, some fixed points should be respected like the tablets of the law. Even if this means some waiver, and some more suffering.

Index of topics

Caution and clarity

Of course, caution is needed, especially if they're young. It takes graduality when introducing them to a new situation. It takes responsibility not to unload parental tensions onto their children. But long live clarity. In fact, the more transparent you are, the more the separating couple is forced to avoid reducing the divorce to an endless series of arguments, retaliations, and demands.

Lying is useless

There's a vast space between the age-old formula of smoothing out reality, which isn't equivalent to lying, and the truth we owe our children, never considering them our exclusive property, but rather having a relationship with them as autonomous, free, and responsible individuals. It's into this space that everyone, even parents forced to navigate the long tunnel of a painful separation, must venture. Knowing that lying is a useless waste: of energy, of credibility, of mutual respect. And of evaporating love.

Don't ask your children to take sides

Once you have embarked on the path of separation, and then divorce, it is advisable to talk to your children togetherIf possible, explain what's happening simply and gently. Avoid painful details or mutual accusations: the children they don't have to take sidesAdapt the explanation to the child's age: younger children need simple words, while teenagers deserve more detailed communication.

Ensure stability and routine

Stability helps children feel secureTherefore, in the event of separation, maintain your daily habits, schedules, and activities as much as possible. If they move house or school, explain the reasons calmly and reassuringly. Children need to know that they are not to blame for the separation of the parents and that the love of the mother and father for them it does not changeRepeat it often, with concrete words and actions.

Agree on the time to spend with your children

During a separation, children should always be protected by both parents, never exploited. The key is reassurance, and the only viable path to achieving this difficult goal is to share the fundamental decisions that arise after separation. This includes dividing the time spent with the children in their new homes, including moments where everyone can still be together, without acting, but with genuine and mutual affection. Sharing responsibilities, from choosing their studies to intervening in the children's private lives, without intruding when it seems problematic.

Don't denigrate the partner you are separating from

The commitment not to denigrate the other, not to isolate them, much less exclude them: a child always needs both parents, father and mother, and substitution is never effective. A sort of pact, explicit or implicit, is just a detail, which commits both parents to prioritize the children's interests in the event of further disagreements that arise after the separationGradual and cautious approach to convincing children to live with new partners: children aren't parcels that can easily be moved from one address to another.

Avoid conflicts in front of your children

Arguments, criticism, or belittling the other parent in front of the children puts them in a painful position. Even if the relationship between exes is tense and contentious, mutual respect is essential. for the good of the childrenIn some cases, it may be helpful to involve a family mediator, a child psychologist, or a trusted, well-balanced family member. School can be an important ally: inform teachers if you think the family situation could affect academic or emotional performance.

Attempt a reconciliation anyway

It's never too late after a separation, understand if there is room for a reconciliation and to rebuild a serene and solid relationship with your partner, perhaps even with the help of your children, and not out of guilt, but following a normal maturation of your own state of mind, your own convictions, and your own life goals. Our mothers and grandmothers tolerated many things, even betrayal and the softening of the truth, just to spare their children the pain and irreversible trauma of separation. Were they hypocrites? Did they humiliate a woman's autonomy and her personality? Perhaps, but they almost always prevailed and managed to keep the family together, reclaiming their only temporarily lost husband. And they managed to avoid suffering in the first place. Now the law of do-it-yourself morality regarding separations enshrines a single commandment: if things aren't going well, there's no point in wasting time and trying to pick up the pieces. A quick separation is better. Here: it's the word "waste" that doesn't convince us in this case. A test of reasonableness, carried out with extreme confidence and until the last possible minute, is never a waste. Not of time or energy.